Speechless

Have you ever been in situations when you have wanted to say something but you can't find the words to say what you really mean??? That's where I'm at these days. As I stumble through this process of grief, so many emotions run through my mind. I feel sad and want to talk to people about what's going on, but I find it difficult to explain what it is that I'm feeling. There are the emotions that are typically associated with grief (sadness, anger, etc.) but I believe that I am at the point of frustration because there is nothing that I can do to change the situation. This has made me feel extremely unsettled. I am beside myself because of the feelings of helplessness. I feel as if I want to run away from my thoughts. My mind races as I prepare to go to sleep each night and my eyes fight off the urge to close because I don't want to be reminded of the truth. Sometimes I feel as if I have lost my mind....I feel like a rat in a maze because there is no way out of this road called grief. I hate travelling down this road because of so many reasons...I don't want to be here, I don't want to have to face reality, I don't want to face the fact that I am parentless, I don't want to have to work so hard at finding a new "normal", I don't particularly like change, I hate feeling the way that I do, I hate the fact that I don't seem to have as much joy in my heart like I used to, there is one less person in my family, holidays will once again take on a different look................

In spite of everything and no mattter how much I complain and try to fight this off, I have no choice but to face this head on. If I continue to push this to the back of my mind, it will continue to rear it's ugly head. There will continue to be heartache, sadness, frustration, anger, etc. but it will not have such a stronghold on me if I face the monster called grief. I'm not ready for this. I feel as if I am a 5 year old ready to throw a tantrum because I can't get my way. In essence, that is really the case. I can't get my mom back. I can't get my dad back. Life has changed. People don't live forever. Death is a part of life. Life isn't easy. Life isn't fair.

Unspoken

Does anyone really get it??? How does one put it into words? How do you try to explain what you're going through to those who have not suffered a serious, substantial loss? I want to talk about it but why does it seem like I get the urge to talk around 1:00 a.m.?? No one is awake but me as I toss and turn, not wanting to close my eyes. Somehow if I keep them open, maybe the thoughts won't flood my mind like a waterfall. Perhaps if I stay awake, maybe it won't seem real...perhaps the horrible memory won't return like an unwanted guest...perhaps the outline on the carpet won't really be there...perhaps the smell of death won't greet me as I walk through the door of the condo...perhaps I won't see the black fingerprints on the wall where the M.E. and the detectives leaned on in order to maintain their balance...perhaps I won't remember the jazz music playing as I walked into the condo...perhaps when I turn to my right I won't see the dead body, discolored from being there for 5 days...perhaps I won't remember listening to the voicemail messages on his phone, clearly filled with worry and concern from friends & family...perhaps I won't remember the yellow tarp that lay across his body...perhaps I won't recall seeing the funeral home people wheeling him out of the condo...perhaps I won't remember the 9-1-1 call that I made...perhaps I won't remember calling Scott to let him know what had just happened...perhaps I won't remember calling Jill at work to let her know about my dad...............perhaps one day I will face this grief head on.............

Something in Common

I talked, she listened. She wondered how I was doing, how I was feeling, how my trip to Door County was without my dad. Questions about my trip to Guatemala as well as what the rest of my plans were for the summer.

I talked about some of the things that reminded me of my dad...golfing, our passion for sports, our choice of careers, the books that we both liked to read...I have recently run across several people that knew my dad - it was great to hear all of the nice things that they had to say about my dad.

As I was talking, I had to pause in order to swallow the big lump that had formed in my throat. A tear trickled down my cheek as she looked at me with understanding eyes. I glanced at her and noticed that tears were forming in her eyes. I stopped to grab a tissue from the table next to me. As I did this, she spoke softly and told me that her dad had died unexpectedly a month ago so she could understand what I was going through. I felt so sad for her and wanted to get up from the couch and give her a huge hug but I knew that I couldn't. I whispered that I was sorry about her dad as I watched her dab her eyes with a kleenex. A few more tears fell from my eyes and at that moment, I felt as if time had stopped. We sat for a moment in silence as she gathered herself. My heart went out to her...

As I left the office, I couldn't stop thinking about her and the sorrow she felt because of her dad's death. I drove away knowing that she was now travelling down that road we call "grief".

Spring Break

Those 2 words are music to my ears! This year it felt like it would NEVER get here. A week or so ago we had flurries in the air - c'mon, folks, can we get a break with the weather here????? My hope is that, being that we are half way through the month of April, I will get to enjoy some warmer temperatures! I would absolutely LOVE to get outside and ride my bike or hit the nearest golf course (I would of course need to wipe the cob webs off both of those items as they have been tucked away in my basement for far too long).

This is day 3 of my break...as I sit on my couch watching the rubber match between the Brewers and Cubs, I reflect on what I have filled my days with. Time goes by so quickly during break and I really just want to take time for myself because I have been on quite the rollercoaster ride for the last 2 months.

Things have settled down with regards to taking care of business with my dad. I've started coaching softball which adds a dimension of craziness to my life. A week and a half ago I had an emergency root canal (my follow up appointment for my crown is Tuesday - ughhhhhhh). Work is crazy busy - when isn't it though??? (I'm thankful that I have a job in these difficult economic times so I'm NOT complaining).

With all that said, I truly am looking forward to simply doing what I want, when I want. I will make a conscious effort to "schedule" quiet time in my day instead of filling every waking moment with errands, coffee dates, lunch dates, etc. For any of you that are also on spring break this week, I hope that you will find time to simply be so that you can rest, relax and rejuvenate yourselves.

PEACE!!!!!!!!

Gone

Wow...I can't believe how much time has gone by since my last post. Much has changed since January 28th. My world was rocked by the sudden, unexpected death of my dad on Feb. 10th. The reality of life without any parents has not completely sunk in yet, nor the circumstances surrounding my dad's death. It's still not real. I cannot get the picture of my dad out of my head because I was the one that found him in his condominium. How can he be gone, just like that???

The feeling of disbelief was overwhelming as I dialed 9-1-1 to alert the police to the situation that I walked into. The paramedics arrived followed by a police officer. I met them outside and directed them into my dad's condo. After the paramedics confirmed my dad's death, I was deluged by a series of questions. I methodically and stoically rattled off the pertinent information to the police officer and the two detectives that had just arrived on the scene. Name, address, phone number, date of birth.................I then matter-of-factly continued to provide the information about my father to them. I can't seem to get that image out of my head. Why was I the one that had to find him there????

We contacted the medical examiner - a necessary evil so that we would have an official time and date of death. Does it truly matter in the scheme of things. If you want to get technical, he actually died on Friday, Feb. 6th but we couldn't use that as the date because no one was present to provide an "official" t.o.d. (for those of you CSI watchers you know what I'm talkin' 'bout....time of death in case you were wondering). Anyway, I won't get into any more of the details. The only thing that matters is that he is gone, just like that.

Our life here on earth is just a vapor....nothing compared to what our lives will be in heaven. As I struggle to get that last image of my dad out of my mind, I turn to God for peace, healing and understanding. I dive into his Word so that I continue to be encouraged by His promises to His children here on earth. I've travelled down this road of grief before but this time, I am far more equipped because I have God alongside of me. Because of this, I am truly blessed. While I struggle to understand what has happened over the course of the last three weeks, I am reminded that God will never leave my side and that His ways are not my ways.

Do they have any clue???

This has been on my mind quite a bit lately so I thought this would be perfect blog material. Nothing like an outlet for random, rambling thinking. My question to you is this: Do annoying people realize just how annoying they really are to the rest of the world??? Before I continue on, I will freely admit that I am fully aware that my actions may be seen as annoying at times. I do make a concerted effort to be respectful of those around me so I don't become "another one of those annoying people".

Let me throw out a few examples of the people that I am referring to that you may have run across at some point in your life:

* the non-stop sniffler on the airplane. Have you ever thought about using a Kleenex??

* the car in the left lane driving 55 m.p.h. - do you ever wonder why people are blowing by you and shooting you dirty looks????

* while I'm on the subject of drivers...how about the driver that LOVES to ride your bumper?? Nothing like not being able to see the headlights on the car BEHIND you on an icy road. Can you say "accident waiting to happen"? Insurance companies LOVE these drivers!

* or how about the person that refuses to allow you to merge?? I must say, I LOVE the feeling of drag racing a semi in order to merge onto the freeway - NOT! What's up with that????

* the LOUD talker at the coffee shop....you know what?? I'm really not that interested in what is going on in your life so STOP screaming! Everyone else just wanted to stop in and enjoy a relaxing cup of hot coffee amidst the low buzzing of random voices. Did you notice I said "LOW"???

* the incessant talkers during staff meetings..Come on people! You're all teachers! How annoying is it when your kids are talking in class while you are trying to teach??? Enough said!

* while I'm on the subject of talkers......don't you love it when people talk on their cell phones like they are in the privacy of their own home while in a doctor's office waiting room???? Have a little courtesy for those around you and either leave the area or make the call very BRIEF!!! T.M.I. from strangers!

* I know that we are taught that there are NO dumb questions but I beg to differ! There are SOME dumb questions. You know them when you hear them. Those are the questions that people ask that are typically not paying attention to what is going on around them or perhaps they really are clueless! Ughhhhhhhhhh.

* people that continually complain about the cold temperatures and snow. Ummm, "Hello"...you do live in Wisconsin. What are you expecting???? This weather happens every year so why the surprise when we get 8-10 inches of snow on any given day during October-April??? Why the shock when we are dealing with below zero temperatures???? This isn't Hawaii! What was your first clue????????

I'm tuckered out just thinking of how frustrating it is to deal with said individuals. Gotta run. To be continued........

Tears

From the distance, I saw her sitting on the leather couch in the airport lobby with a blank look on her face. Her brown eyes looked vacant as she stared off into space. Her face remained expressionless; the television blared in the background as children raced around the lobby. I eased into an empty seat near her. I quickly glanced over at her out of the corner of my eye and saw tears rolling down her cheek. I fumbled around in my bag, hurriedly looking for a kleenex to hand to her.



Why was she crying?? Why was she so sad?? I reached out my hand and gave her my pack of kleenex; she slowly reached over and took hold of the small, clear package. She quietly said "Thank you", never once allowing her eyes to meet mine. She kept her head down and wiped away the tears that were now streaming down her face uncontrollably. I tried not to stare at the young lady sobbing on the couch but couldn't seem to keep my eyes off of her. What was it that was making her so sad? What happened in her life? Did something happen to a family member? Did she just receive some horrible news about a friend? As I was about to ask her what was wrong, I heard a cell phone ring. She reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out the ringing phone. She listened carefully and hung up without saying a word. As I was about to ask if she was O.K., she got up from the couch, grabbed her bags and left; tears still streaming down her face. I tried to catch up to her but lost her in the crowd.......

I suddenly opened my eyes and realized that my pillow was damp. I touched my cheek and felt the water streaming down my left side. Those tears were my tears. I reached for a kleenex to wipe them away but they kept coming like raindrops in the midst of a spring shower. The emptiness returned and the sadness overwhelmed me once again.........