Speechless

Have you ever been in situations when you have wanted to say something but you can't find the words to say what you really mean??? That's where I'm at these days. As I stumble through this process of grief, so many emotions run through my mind. I feel sad and want to talk to people about what's going on, but I find it difficult to explain what it is that I'm feeling. There are the emotions that are typically associated with grief (sadness, anger, etc.) but I believe that I am at the point of frustration because there is nothing that I can do to change the situation. This has made me feel extremely unsettled. I am beside myself because of the feelings of helplessness. I feel as if I want to run away from my thoughts. My mind races as I prepare to go to sleep each night and my eyes fight off the urge to close because I don't want to be reminded of the truth. Sometimes I feel as if I have lost my mind....I feel like a rat in a maze because there is no way out of this road called grief. I hate travelling down this road because of so many reasons...I don't want to be here, I don't want to have to face reality, I don't want to face the fact that I am parentless, I don't want to have to work so hard at finding a new "normal", I don't particularly like change, I hate feeling the way that I do, I hate the fact that I don't seem to have as much joy in my heart like I used to, there is one less person in my family, holidays will once again take on a different look................

In spite of everything and no mattter how much I complain and try to fight this off, I have no choice but to face this head on. If I continue to push this to the back of my mind, it will continue to rear it's ugly head. There will continue to be heartache, sadness, frustration, anger, etc. but it will not have such a stronghold on me if I face the monster called grief. I'm not ready for this. I feel as if I am a 5 year old ready to throw a tantrum because I can't get my way. In essence, that is really the case. I can't get my mom back. I can't get my dad back. Life has changed. People don't live forever. Death is a part of life. Life isn't easy. Life isn't fair.