Unspoken

Does anyone really get it??? How does one put it into words? How do you try to explain what you're going through to those who have not suffered a serious, substantial loss? I want to talk about it but why does it seem like I get the urge to talk around 1:00 a.m.?? No one is awake but me as I toss and turn, not wanting to close my eyes. Somehow if I keep them open, maybe the thoughts won't flood my mind like a waterfall. Perhaps if I stay awake, maybe it won't seem real...perhaps the horrible memory won't return like an unwanted guest...perhaps the outline on the carpet won't really be there...perhaps the smell of death won't greet me as I walk through the door of the condo...perhaps I won't see the black fingerprints on the wall where the M.E. and the detectives leaned on in order to maintain their balance...perhaps I won't remember the jazz music playing as I walked into the condo...perhaps when I turn to my right I won't see the dead body, discolored from being there for 5 days...perhaps I won't remember listening to the voicemail messages on his phone, clearly filled with worry and concern from friends & family...perhaps I won't remember the yellow tarp that lay across his body...perhaps I won't recall seeing the funeral home people wheeling him out of the condo...perhaps I won't remember the 9-1-1 call that I made...perhaps I won't remember calling Scott to let him know what had just happened...perhaps I won't remember calling Jill at work to let her know about my dad...............perhaps one day I will face this grief head on.............