Speechless

Have you ever been in situations when you have wanted to say something but you can't find the words to say what you really mean??? That's where I'm at these days. As I stumble through this process of grief, so many emotions run through my mind. I feel sad and want to talk to people about what's going on, but I find it difficult to explain what it is that I'm feeling. There are the emotions that are typically associated with grief (sadness, anger, etc.) but I believe that I am at the point of frustration because there is nothing that I can do to change the situation. This has made me feel extremely unsettled. I am beside myself because of the feelings of helplessness. I feel as if I want to run away from my thoughts. My mind races as I prepare to go to sleep each night and my eyes fight off the urge to close because I don't want to be reminded of the truth. Sometimes I feel as if I have lost my mind....I feel like a rat in a maze because there is no way out of this road called grief. I hate travelling down this road because of so many reasons...I don't want to be here, I don't want to have to face reality, I don't want to face the fact that I am parentless, I don't want to have to work so hard at finding a new "normal", I don't particularly like change, I hate feeling the way that I do, I hate the fact that I don't seem to have as much joy in my heart like I used to, there is one less person in my family, holidays will once again take on a different look................

In spite of everything and no mattter how much I complain and try to fight this off, I have no choice but to face this head on. If I continue to push this to the back of my mind, it will continue to rear it's ugly head. There will continue to be heartache, sadness, frustration, anger, etc. but it will not have such a stronghold on me if I face the monster called grief. I'm not ready for this. I feel as if I am a 5 year old ready to throw a tantrum because I can't get my way. In essence, that is really the case. I can't get my mom back. I can't get my dad back. Life has changed. People don't live forever. Death is a part of life. Life isn't easy. Life isn't fair.

Unspoken

Does anyone really get it??? How does one put it into words? How do you try to explain what you're going through to those who have not suffered a serious, substantial loss? I want to talk about it but why does it seem like I get the urge to talk around 1:00 a.m.?? No one is awake but me as I toss and turn, not wanting to close my eyes. Somehow if I keep them open, maybe the thoughts won't flood my mind like a waterfall. Perhaps if I stay awake, maybe it won't seem real...perhaps the horrible memory won't return like an unwanted guest...perhaps the outline on the carpet won't really be there...perhaps the smell of death won't greet me as I walk through the door of the condo...perhaps I won't see the black fingerprints on the wall where the M.E. and the detectives leaned on in order to maintain their balance...perhaps I won't remember the jazz music playing as I walked into the condo...perhaps when I turn to my right I won't see the dead body, discolored from being there for 5 days...perhaps I won't remember listening to the voicemail messages on his phone, clearly filled with worry and concern from friends & family...perhaps I won't remember the yellow tarp that lay across his body...perhaps I won't recall seeing the funeral home people wheeling him out of the condo...perhaps I won't remember the 9-1-1 call that I made...perhaps I won't remember calling Scott to let him know what had just happened...perhaps I won't remember calling Jill at work to let her know about my dad...............perhaps one day I will face this grief head on.............

Something in Common

I talked, she listened. She wondered how I was doing, how I was feeling, how my trip to Door County was without my dad. Questions about my trip to Guatemala as well as what the rest of my plans were for the summer.

I talked about some of the things that reminded me of my dad...golfing, our passion for sports, our choice of careers, the books that we both liked to read...I have recently run across several people that knew my dad - it was great to hear all of the nice things that they had to say about my dad.

As I was talking, I had to pause in order to swallow the big lump that had formed in my throat. A tear trickled down my cheek as she looked at me with understanding eyes. I glanced at her and noticed that tears were forming in her eyes. I stopped to grab a tissue from the table next to me. As I did this, she spoke softly and told me that her dad had died unexpectedly a month ago so she could understand what I was going through. I felt so sad for her and wanted to get up from the couch and give her a huge hug but I knew that I couldn't. I whispered that I was sorry about her dad as I watched her dab her eyes with a kleenex. A few more tears fell from my eyes and at that moment, I felt as if time had stopped. We sat for a moment in silence as she gathered herself. My heart went out to her...

As I left the office, I couldn't stop thinking about her and the sorrow she felt because of her dad's death. I drove away knowing that she was now travelling down that road we call "grief".